Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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