Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
