I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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