Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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