actually, I'm a sock model
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
