he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
