if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
