So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
