The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
