i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Randomize
