Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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