Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
