i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just invented taco cereal.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
