my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
