angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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