Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
