The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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