Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
