You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
