I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
