just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
