i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
