I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
