She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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