The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
