I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
