My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
