he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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