nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
