I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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