I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
