Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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