I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
