i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
