My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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