I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
