There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Lo siento on account of my penis...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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