Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Text me some of your sweat
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
