I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
