I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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