I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
