i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
