i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
