you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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