I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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