A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
