My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
