Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
