with your own penis?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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