i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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